It seems that I have been waiting for a very long time to write this post. For the past four years, since 2006 to be exact, I have been living under a dark, dark cloud. The darkness permeated everything...it polluted and it wrecked havoc, with my life and my sanity.
My husband...who loved and loved...despite my antics.
It was the result of being downtrodden for so long, of drowning in a sea of helplessness to the point that even the most flimsy of rotting flotsam provided a much needed and welcomed relief. And I had to pay for it. Boy, did I pay for it.
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The smile which hid everything...and then some.
This morning, my hubby said that he is again seeing the woman whom he fell in love with and married four years ago. He thought he had lost me forever. Well, I thought I had lost me forever.
The anchors which grounded me...throughout my trials and tribulations.
The pressure was insane...I never thought that I would survive it. But I did, because of family, my hubby, a very good friend, an understanding boss who allowed me to confide in her and never broke that confidence and the kindness of strangers, both here and in a country far, far away.
I love you both so very much.
I guess my life can be divided into the period before 9th March, 2010 and to the period after 9th March, 2010. Before 9th March, 2010, I had nearly lost all trust in the human race. I nearly lost my trust in God. Oh, don't get me wrong, I believe in God, I just didn't trust Him not to hurt me. because I have been hurt, swindled, cheated, lied to...by people whom I trusted, some of whom were friends, good friends. And I kept asking God, why do you allow this to happen? Why did I have to meet these "skinwalkers", monsters moving around in human skin. He did not answer, or maybe He did, I just could not, would not listen.
Love without conditions...my Ayah and Ibu.
My life was literally saved by the kindness and compassion of "a league of extraordinary gentlemen", a few of whom have never, and probably will never meet me. It is through their kindness, their compassion, that I am able to keep my sanity, to again be me...
And throughout it all, my family never lost faith in me, my hubby kept on loving me (even though day after day he saw the woman he loved slipping further away from him), my friend slogged away to save me even when all hope seemed lost. I was also lucky enough to be able to confide in my boss, knowing that I will not be betrayed.
My brother...such a beautiful soul.
And now, after 9th March, 2010, and after the black cloud had lifted, I realise that I have been loved, so very loved. That I have been lucky. That even if things had turned out differently, there are people who would be willing to lend a hand to this "lost soul". For I was lost in a forest of grief, sadness, guilt, self-blame, anger...most of the time and always...anger. Anger was a constant companion. I kept it hidden most of the time, sometimes I was successful, sometimes I was not.
It has been a humbling experience, an eye-opener. That for all my bravado and self-confidence, life can still deal a "whopper" that would leave me "bleeding and broken". Thank you Allah for this experience...I know now that compassion, kindness, faith and friendship is not determined by creed, colour, religion or nationality. I know now that blood ties lasts forever, that the love of a good man keeps you warm and protects even when the world is cold, gray and wicked, that sometimes Allah has to drag you through the depths of despair, that sometimes you have to go through pain and tears in order to become a better person.
Amal...a candle in the wind.
So to Ayah, Ibu, Acik Ujang, Adi, Sue, Amira, Maureen and Amal, thank you for standing by me through it all. To my hubby, thank you for loving me, even when I was just a mere shadow of the woman you married. To Mr Liow and the gentlemen from Mandom of Japan...thank you so very much from the bottom of my heart for this "second chance" at life.
The reason I live...
Allah, I know now that You have always been there, guiding me, loving me, always loving me, even when I doubted You, even when I raved and ranted like a mad woman, even when I was at my worst. I love You.
And to those who have wronged me, whether intentionally or not, I forgive you all. Find your peace with God.
Salam dear - very heartening to read the trials that you went through and alhamdullilah - you have come out a better person for it.
ReplyDeleteAll we need to know is that when we are tested - we need to redha and bersyukur that Allah SWT wants us to find the way back to Him. Yang lupa dii - if you notice - terus dapat what they want and the will lupa and lupa....subhanaAllah.
You obviously understood the lessons from His test and as a result you found the grace and beauty of the ujian. In short - you passed.
With flying colours I might add. Amin Ya-Rabbal Al-amin.
My dear, dear friend, thank you. And you will get through your current "situation" as well. I pity those who are unable to appreciate the gift of friendship, especially YOUR friendship. I believe this is not only a test for you, but also a test for the other party. InsyaAllah, we pray that the Almighty will one day lift the dark veil that's covering the person's heart, to allow that individual to see the truth. It's always darkest when the heart is blind.
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