ALA OMAK NIKAHKAN DEN -PART ONE-TAKE ME TO THE MOSQUE ON TIME!

Well, 29th May, 2010 has come and gone and Mader is now a married man. Sekali lafaz aje and he became husband and instant father. I am just happy and glad that it's all over...and I am not the only one. The whole thing started on early Friday, 28th May, 2010, when I picked Arose up from KL Sentral. Then we drove back to Mantin-Montreal, making a short stop at Nilai 3 to buy certain things which we needed for the hantaran. Arrived in Mantin around 12.00 p.m. A few minutes later, Mader arrived with Lin and Lin's elder sister, carrying with him the fresh flowers for the "Sirih Junjung".

Mader...the last few hours before he became a "husband..."

To cut a long story short, the conversation was rather stilted, he was still his "POYORE" self. Kalau bercakap, tak ada yang "down" semuanya "Up-Up" aje. He refused to speak to Arose despite her several overtures. Hmmmm...it was all rather tensed but finally everybody succumbed to the weather and were sprawled on their separate choice of sleeping material, snoring away, except for me and Ibu. Ibu was in the kitchen cooking up a storm while I was lodged in Adi's room, trying to complete the "hantaran". We had lunch, then I continued with the "hantaran" before stopping at around 5.00 p.m. to send Mader to Seremban. We had to get the cake. Then we found out that none of the cakes would be able to stand the trip to Selayang except for the American Chocolate Cake, so we got that and went back to Nilai 3 as we still had a few other things to buy. Finally got home around 8.30 p.m., had dinner and I retired to Adi's room again...

The finished "hantaran".

The shoes were bought in "SOGO" during one of our shopping extravaganzas, while the bag came all the way from Hong Kong, courtesy of Arose. It was such a huge bag and it was "lembik", so the big bow was my solution in reducing the size and creating something which would at least stay put!

The "Sirih Junjung". Not too many "sirih" and the "junjung" part is definitely missing but...I think it turned out swell for something which only took me half and hour to finish.

The fruit basket...by this time I was the "basket case" and as nutty as a fruit cake due to sleep deprivation.

Aha, the "case full of crayons" a.k.a. the make-up set...all the very "the" like that...but I wonder if the colours would suit my dearest cousin-in-law...the shade of green and blue that were included sent chills down my spine, something those avant-garde, big, bushy haired, black "primadonnas" in their platform shoes, tiny tops exposing gargantuan "ehems" and white bell-bottoms used to wear during the seventies while doing the "Saturday Night Fever" thingy on the dance floor! Yessss, I'd like to see Lin in a tight white bell bottom thingy shaking her booty on the dance floor...that would not be a sight for the faint-hearted! I am mean, I am mean, I am really mean!!!

The Al-Quran, "telekung" (Ya Pak, dibelinya di Bandung) and the "sejadah" (dibelinya di Jalan Masjid India). The "sejadah" was huge and uncooperative so I just "lipat"ed (there's no such word trust me, I just created it) the thingy into what I hoped resembled a fan and plonked it into the basket. Everything unravelled by the time we got to Lin's so I had to re"lipat" the thingy...by then I was in the mood to "lipat" my cousin Mader into a "lepat", "kukus" him and serve him to his sweetheart on a platter with an apple in his mouth! Why apple??? Why not, it's big enough for his mouth, innit?

The "sepersalinan baju and tudung"...Binwani's lagi uols...very the very "the"...nice material, it should be, cost me an arm and a leg but looking back, I believe that I somehow or rather chose the wrong shade of purple...a bit too psychedelic for my "sawo-very-the-matang" cousin-in-law.

The "Mas Kahwin"...all RM300 and the "gelang batal air sembahyang" from Kedai Emas Sirih Pinang. Alahai, nasib ko baik Mader Cik Nor tu manager kedai emas...kalau tidak, mau luruh bulu dada yang ader tiga helai tu membayar "full price"!

The "hantarans" again...from a different angle.

I only managed to crawl out of Adi's room (walking was no longer an option as I had been sitting on the floor since 9.00 p.m. the previous night) at 6.30 the next morning. Another night without sleep, but Alhamdulillah, all was done and I only had to do the "Sirih Junjung". Did the "Sirih Junjung" in record time, only 30 minutes, then ironed my hubby's shirt, took a shower, got dressed (while this was happening, Acik Ujang and his posse which included Cik Nab's brother and his wife and kids arrived, then it was Adi - after several calls from Ayah which finally managed to dislodge his butt from the Mamak stall), realised that the "alas" dulang is not complete, found the needle and thread to do the necessary to the "alas dulang" and jumped into Adi's car. All the way to Selayang, we (Adi, Arose, my hubby and me) had a swell "menganyam ketupat" session as I sewed up a storm.

The "War Party" from Mantin-Montreal...all geared up to storm Selayang..planning their "attack".

And here we have Angah, Acik Ujang's second daughter making her exit carrying the "hantaran sepersalinan baju and tudung" in her "engine red kebaya" with the matching kain"ala-ala batik lepas" and her pink tudung...still single but I believe already "booked" by a "Mat Forestry".

All smiles and carrying with her the "fruit basket", the sweet and and demure Along, Acik Ujang's eldest in a baby blue "Baju Kurung and her her kain "ala-ala batik" in several shades of turqouise, still single but I believe she has also been hooked...

No, he is not the latest employee of "Pelita Nasi Kandar"...all smiles at the thought of losing his virginity (Oh please! Don't tell me he has not been thinking about IT!) is my cousin "Mader the Chengkot Poyore" bridegroom to be ("Chengkot" because he lost a huge chunk of flesh from one of his feet due to an accident and walks with a limp - just a few days before the wedding- and he refused to ask anyone to assist him with the bandages...which cause the wound to turn septic and resulted in him having high fever right after the wedding...according to him he was out cold for three whole days...so much for the "44 rounds" planned for the wedding night...I guess he kept his virginity for much longer than he wanted).

Sekarang, calon-calon mak dara akan memperagakan baju kenduri kahwin masing-masing...adik ipar Cik Nab (didn't get round to asking her name though we spoke at some length during our "incarceration" at the "Balai Islam Wanita") in her yellowy brown assemble with matching tudung which has been created to hide any form of "michelin-ess" , carrying the "hantaran Al-Quran, telekung and sejadah".

Aha, this is one of the reason for "michelin-ess"! Cik Nab's nephew carrying the empty case which was created to house the "American Chocolate Cake".

Cik Nab, also in a yellow brown essemble with matching tudung which flatters her figure and height...ehem!...carrying the "hantaran make-up". Kena la bodek, ni isteri my Acik Ujang beb!

Arrived in Selayang around 10.00 a.m., where the "rombongan Pengantin Lelaki" was deposited at the "Balai Islam Wanita" (something akin to a "balairaya") and waited for the Imam to arrive...and the nervous groom was standing outside the "balai" smoking like a chimney during a very cold winter's night...hmmmmppphhhhhh, ish, ish, ish.

At the "Balai Islam Wanita" in Selayang, moi and Arose surrounded by our "humble" offerings to "Lin-the Goddess of LURVE!!!"

The "ladies" division of the war party from Mantin-Montreal.

The "tukang buat hantaran" working overtime trying to correct any damage due to the trip. The smile hides the fact that I was already in "La-La Land"...gua lalok!!!

Ahhhhh...an aerial view of the "American Chocolate Cake".

Acik Ujang: "Apo kita nak buek kalau budak ni tak lopeh lafaz nikah nanti Long?. Ayah: "Ontah la Jang, kalau tak lopeh gak, kito kono la mandikan bawah jambatan. Ado den nampak jambatan maso jalan masuk tadi, jadi kau ready jo la. Kalau dah tujuh kali sokat-sokat gak, kito heret yo bawah jambatan tu. "

Dengan gaya-gaya mak nyah..."Tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, sekarang saya akan menunjukkan kepada uols cara-cara untuk memakai alas bedak dengan betul supaya leher dan muka nampak putih melepak walaupun tangan ala-ala...emmmm...ala, ala-ala kaler tangan mak ni nyah oi!". Mader and the "Pretenders", the group claiming to represent the bridegroom's side of the family but whom none of us from Mantin-Montreal have ever seen.

Mader (in his head): "Cepat la...cepat la malam, aden dah tak tahan dah ni...wahai bunga dedapku...akan ku belai engkau bagaikan grizzly bear membelai salmon...bagaikan killer whale membelai seal...hmmmm...gerammmmmmnyaaaaa my Dompot Kompot Al Sontot...ala kuci, kuci, muah, muah, muah!".

At around 10.40 a.m. we adjourned to the Mosque which was just across the very narrow road from the "balai" and again waited...and waited...and waited...I was already quite restless despite the fact that I was sitting on a stool and not sitting cross legged on the floor. Thank Allah!!! If I was on the floor, it would have taken "...sixteen men on a dead man's chest...yo ho ho and a bottle of ("rum" would not be appropriate, I was in a Mosque, not "surau" mind you but a full blown Mosque with a "Kelas Agama" in full swing providing background music to the solemn affair that's about to take place...therefore let's change "rum" to "Coke"). Repeat, if I had sat on the floor it would have taken "...sixteen men on a dead man's chest...yo ho ho and a bottle of coke..." to get me upright. I wonder which sixteen of those strapping "jejaka Melayu" sitting around the Mosque would have been willing to lift "wittle ole me" or would they all have been rooted to their respective spots by the possibility of fatal physical injury??? Hmmmmmphhh!!!

Arose dengan gaya ala-ala "Selebriti di Mahkamah Syariah". Tak boleh belah betul budak ni, pakai shades kat dalam Masjid. Yang sebelah dia tu sedang menahan kesakitan akibat luas permukaan bangku yang agak kurang berbanding luas permukaan "derriere" yang mengancam tu.

The Ladies Division of the "War Party" from Mantin-Montreal and Kampung Tengah, Kajang (Yessssss!!! Hidup Minangkabau!), and the "Pretenders" termasuk "Makcik Gunung Banang" and her group of "boria" daughters. Not seen in this photo, "Makcik Gunung Banang's" daughter whom we named "Jiggly Butt". Why am I so mean to them??? I'll tell you in the last instalment of this long and winding tale.

Kak Long, I have done my best under the circumstances. I have delivered your eldest, with all the necessary "adat" to this Mosque for the solemnisation ceremony. Forgive me if there is anything that's not up to your expectations. I wish you were here...it's lonely without you...I miss you my sister...

Mader (in his heart): "Wahai Bunga Rafflesiaku, mengapa kau menyiksa ku begini? Tidakkah kau tahu bahawa penantian itu satu penyiksaan. Segeralah ke mari wahai Ratu Jiwa Dangdut ku, kita meteraikan janji cinta kita dalam lafaz suci dihadapan para saksi. Dan malam ini...ae-ah, ae-ah, ae-ah...cintaku seratus persen...". The rest of the group: "Mana la pengantin pompuan nih, punggung kita orang ni dah kematu duduk atas lantai ni...hari tu nak sangat kat Mat Bangla ni, hari ni malu-malu plak...ish, ish, ish..."

The bride was really late and I was wondering whether my dear cousin was going to be left, abandoned on the cushion in the Mosque. Did Lin have a change of heart? Was the thought of spending the rest of her life sleeping with the lights on in order to be able to locate her hubby (I am mean, I am mean, I am so very the mean!) too much for her to bear??? And I wondered and worried as I continued to position and re-position my "BIG MAMA" derriere on the itsy-bitsy stool...it was not really working and the lack of food and sleep was taking its toll...it was hard to keep awake in the hot and claustrophobic Mosque...I started imagining things...Mader's skin tone was changing hue before my eyes...is my cousin an alien??? Was he going to finally shed his current form and show his real self, a bangla from Simpang Balak, Kajang??? Wouldn't have made much of a difference.

Mader (in his heart): "Akhirnyaaaaaaaa....kini pastiiiiii...ku merasai cinta nan suciiiiiii...akhir kini ku kembali jua....dalam asmara...aaaaauuuwwwwww!". For your info, the makcik in the white "tudung" is Mader's monster-in law...sorry...mother-in law.

Finally the pengantin perempuan arrived in a flurry of satin and lace...and one RED eye! Why the red eye? Ermmmm, I think it had something to do with the "bulu mata palsu". No, I am not being mean but those false eyelashes (and trust me I had a very close view of them) were looooonnnnngggggggg!!! Or maybe it was the eye make-up, Allah knows she had on more than she needed...or maybe she cried because she was wearing a lovely beige baju kurung but had on a white "selendang". But she cried in only one eye??? Anyways, she plonked herself down near Mader, whose expression spoke volumes "...Sayang, dalam beberapa minit lagi engkau akan menjadi milikku dan milikku saja...dan kita akan melayarkan bahtera cinta di lautan yang bergelora...di mana aku akan menjadi nakhoda dan engkau akan menjadi awak-awak Indon...dan kita akan menikmati madu dari cangkir cinta dan engkau akan lemas dalam pelukanku...". EEEEEEIIIIWWWWWWWWW!!! Yucks! Yucks! Yucks! But knowing Mader, the "Mat Jiwa-Jiwa Melayu" that he is, those were the words going through his mind. How did I come across those words? Have you ever tried reading some of the poems or so called "puisi" published in the local newspapers? Try it...some can really make you skin crawl all the way to Argentina!

The one in the shiny golden "baju kurung" and black "tudung" is not the bride, it's the bride's elder sister, still available if anyone is interested. The one in the yellow brown ensemble with matching "tudung" belongs to my Acik Ujang, so hands-off unless you want to end up chopped into fine little pieces. The "vision" in beige (looks like white doesn't it?) is the one and only soon to be Mrs Mohd Mahathir Ma'amor, in all her speldour...ala tomei, tomei, mencak gitewwwwwww, auwwwwww mak tak tahan uols...so the very "gebu" and "montels"...ini yang buat pengantin lelaki tak senang duduk ni.

The Bride...view from the side...hmmm...still "gebus" and"montels"! Lin (dalam hati): "Oh Abang Bangla ku, akhirnya hari bahagia kita telah tiba...akhirnya kita akan bersama, di bawah cahaya bulan purnama...bercengkerama...dengan anak-anak dinda...oooopssss, sorry la Bang, anak-anak tak biasa la tido jauh dari I...Abang tak marah kannnnnnn."

Mader (dalam hati) sambil duduk sila panggung bagaikan Pahlawan zaman dolu-dolu (langsung lupa kecederaan yang dialami sebab teruja nak beristeri...alahai, it rhymes, cakpong, cakpong!). "Come on Tok Imam, bring it on...Bring it on!"

Tok Imam: "Sebelum kita meneruskan prosiding...marilah kita menghayati pesanan junjungan kita....". Mader (dalam hati): "Apa plak pakcik ni panjang sangat khutbah dia??? Den nak nikah ni...Nikahkan den segera...secepat mungkin...Oh Lin, ae-ah, ae-ah, ae-ah...cintaku seratus persen!". Acik Ujang (dalam hati):"Apo pulak panjang sangat ni, den dah lotih menunggu, den potet jugak mamat ni karang.."

Anyways, the Tok Imam took his position and started his sermon...and went on, and on, and on, and on, until Ayah's eyes glazed over and his legs fell asleep and Pakcik Ujang who is also a fully certified Tok Imam had to apply all his self-retraint to stop himself from putting his hands aroung the Imam's neck and giving it a bit of a (strong) squeeze and then taking over the proceedings...and finally, when I was on the verge of tears (and it wasn't from the thought of losing my cousin, more from the thought of losing my sanity)...the Tok Imam took Mader's hand...and I perked up and moved nearer because I wanted to hear the "lafaz" but what I heard nearly gave me a heart attack! What was it? Stay tuned...

Tok Imam : "Aaaaa, ader soalan cepu mas...kalau betul jawapannya baru boleh melafazkan nikah...nak jawab tak? Boleh jawab tak?" Mader: "Redah jer la Tok...tolong la...den dah tak tahan buat muka macho ala-ala Rajinikanth nak pukul orang nih...sakit ni...den ni cedera lopeh eksiden motor...copek la Tok oiiiiiiiii".

Yang boroi dan botak tu adik den...yang lain-lain tu den tak kenal... The lady in red is me making my way over to Mader to listen in to the lafaz only to nearly be knocked over cold by what I heard...Ya Rabbi budak ni...Aku potet jugak karang!!!